Let’s put our thinking caps on here - we’re not getting Overwatch Ground War, meaning that we were never going to see some kind of enormous, mayhem-filled match type. Although I’d like a battle royale mode for Overwatch, that’s not looking particularly likely either. I’d assume the maximum number of players you could ever reasonably expect would be nine, increasing the standard 2-2-2 formation to a beefier 3-3-3, or any other strategic permutation amounting to the same sum of overall heroes. So now we’ve got a possibility window spanning one to n

As I mentioned before, I haven't played the Overwatch 2 story mode|https://overwatch2fans.com/ 2 beta, so I know nothing of Junker Queen besides what she looks like. Still, what she looks like is a person who has been methodically grown in a lab in order to drive a tank, so she places high. Junker Queen also feels symbolic of all my confusing feelings towards Overwatch. Blizzard seems to have been a hellscape of harassment, and yet they've created such a diverse (Black women aside) cast of female characters with a range of body types. For all the oversexualised Widowmakers and Tracers, we had Zarya, Mei, and Moira putting spotlights on different kinds of women too. Junker Queen, with her exposed midriff, has elements of the Windowmaker philosophy, but also seems highly queer-coded and has the sorts of rippling muscles women are often not allowed in popular culture. In any case, good at tanks I rec

Baptiste is also a problem solver I feel, but he's acutely aware that one of the best ways to solve problems is a big hug. I don't imagine he's quite as good at the emotional turmoil as the top two, but his willingness to always listen and, more importantly, be there for you sees him land the bronze medal in this made-up l

Zenyatta is a cold, unfeeling robot. He may offer some mystic advice that tries, in its own way, to be helpful, but I don't see much of it being any useful. At best you get a fortune cookie and at worst you get HAL. Bottom of the l

Medals are completely meaningless. Other than a minor XP boost from your highest medal earned, you don’t get anything for collecting medals. They aren’t tracked on your stat page or in your achievements, you can’t trade them for cosmetics, and you can’t even see anyone’s medals but your own. What they did do was explode onto the screen all bright and shiny at the end of every match. My Overwatch career is more than 400 hours long, and the medals alone were enough to keep me coming back for m

I loved seeing three or four gold medals pop up at the end of a particularly good match. It was the perfect cap on a great experience. Sometimes when my team played well, we’d sit on the medal screen for a minute or two talking about the high points of the match and bragging about our medals. I took a screenshot of my last Overwatch game before the servers shut down where I earned three gold medals and three career bests. In Overwatch 2, matches just sort of end. There’s no fanfare, no time to reflect on how well you did. You can’t even see the scoreboard anymore once the game is over. I’m glad we have a real scoreboard, but we didn’t have to give up the medal completely, did

I am really struggling on where to put Zarya. She's a Russian soldier with arms like Redwoods, so I think tanks would come fairly naturally to her. Then again, it has been heavily speculated that Zarya is gay, and we all know gays can't drive. A pickle. Maybe she'd aim well but struggle with three-point turns. Let's put her in fourth and stop worrying about

Brigitte is a far more relatable character than Mercy, and girls with hair like that are always great friends. She's not intimidating like Mercy, instead she knows the solution to most problems is eating ice cream, watching Mean Girls, and listening to Taylor Swift. She'll sit in her old threadbare jumper on her cheap couch with her store-bought rose and she'll offer solutions, but it doesn't matter if these solutions are impossible and ridiculous - most problems can be solved by talking about them, and Brigitte's understanding of that makes her the most supportive Support there

Controversial to have him this low? Lucio is a ‘good vibes’ kind of guy, and while partying with him might help when you're feeling low, he seems a bit of a fair-weather Support. I'm not sure how helpful he'd be in sticky situations or with anything that required any level of emotional depth or assistance that went beyond sticking on some sick tunes. Points for trying, but only j

Here we have the same problem as Winston - Orisa is too big and likely too strong to operate a tank correctly. However, given Orisa is a robot and can therefore be adjusted as needed, I think a solution is in sight, and I also think that solution probably plays out better than greasing a gorilla up with butter. Still, getting a regular human who can drive a tank seems a lot easier than rebuilding a ro

Another controversial one? I don’t really know enough about Kiriko yet, but I don’t get friendly vibes from her. She seems a little too contrived - I know all Overwatch characters are created by a team of designers and developers who go through reams of concept art and try to hit the right demographic markets, but with Kiriko that feels especially blatant. She doesn’t strike me as having much of a persona at all, so middle of the list she g